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Sunday, March 17, 2013

How long will I feel like this?

Still waiting for this funk to pass.  Waiting for the hope to kick in.  I appreciate all the uplifting comments.  I wish I could leave some on your pages.  I read them, but I don't feel I have anything to offer as far as a comment.  What would I know about WL?  What kind of an idiot gets her stomach cut out yet STILL gains weight?  I feel like I am entering a really angry stage.  I am so angry at myself, my failed surgery, others... Just angry.  My story is the same old same old and no one wants to be bored with hearing about my fat.  I don't have anyone IRL who understands what it's like to live as an addict.  I think people would understand more if it were drugs or alcohol, but not food.  No one sees me engrossed in my addiction.  My affair with food takes place when I am alone.  hidden from judgement.  The problem is, my fat is a giveaway of my secret.  I have to walk around showing my personal flaws and weakness.  There is no hiding when you are literally wearing your addiction.  By wearing my "weakness" I am subject to almost daily "suggestions" of a super easy way to lose weight.  I smile and say thank you.  I am reminded 100 times per day that everyone just sees me as a fat, lazy loser and they have no idea what I go through in order to try and fight for my life.  I am sick of my own whining.  I would love to just snap out of it and start some new health kick.  I would love to be free of the horrible addiction that SCREAMs at me every night trying to get me to eat.  It's just me and "the voice" up all night fighting alone in the dark.  All I have ever known is being alone.  I can be surrounded by people and still feel alone because I have this "issue" I spend so much time trying to hide.  I don't have the first clue who I am without a food addiction.  It looks to me like I don't want to know.  I took such extreme measures to try to kill the beast yet I found a way to allow this to continue to run my life.  Every day I will "start tomorrow."  Every day I have a new reason why I can't give 100% that day.  Not enough health food in the house, an activity for church coming up that requires eating, someones birthday... All the while I am trying each night in between to hide my eating from my family.  No one EVER sees what I really eat.  There is almost a desperation when everyone is gone to eat as fast as I can and hide the evidence.  After every episode I am reminded that I am a failure. 
This addiction is lonely.  Really lonely.

11 comments:

The Lovely One said...

I know it's hard for you, but think of how far you've come, and look at all you can do now that you couldn't do before! You're going through a rough patch right now, but this too shall pass.

Teri said...

You are not alone! Many of us have the same addiction. At my weakest, I usually make an HOURLY chart of recording my NOT eating and "clean" eating. It has really helped me...because many times it comes down to being able to have control of just one hour. Start this hour and see what you can do!!!!

Sunny said...

I was just thinking the other day how much I eat when no one is watching. No one knows just how much and what I eat because the majority of it is when no one is watching. It is hard! SO hard! But I also had this thought this week. No one is watching what I look like either. My friends and family just see me, not my weight. I sometimes hear their love through my own filter and interpret it as judgement, but it is my own judgement making my hear that. My loved ones just love me and want me to be happy. It doesn't really make losing weight any easier, but it does make my inner dialog quiet down for a bit when I realize that. I love reading your blog and I cheer for you every step of your journey and cry for your sadness. Hugs.

spunkysuzi said...

You are so worth fighting for! You've started to take care of yourself by finding professionals that can help. I do think therapy with the eating disorder Dr will be really helpful. It will take time but it's definitely going to be worth it.

Lyn said...

I am so sorry. I know it hurts. I understand. You are not alone.

Don't give up... the plan and the counselor WILL help and you WILL feel better. Look back on your blog and SEE how far you have come and what you can do now that you couldn't.

DiZneDiVa said...

I really relate to this post... I feel like I am fighting a losing battle too... I am having a sleeve revision in 2 weeks but I secretly dread that it will be another failure. Please know you are not alone.

Lori said...

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I used to look forward to my husband leaving the house so I could be alone with the food. Then I would be able to eat without him knowing. I'd even hide the wrappers in the trash so he wouldn't notice.

I know the loneliness and the feelings of failure. But you are NOT a failure if you are still trying. The only way you fail is if you quit. I know you are not quitting.

You are in a dark place now. It is hard to break free of the dark place. You can do it. Keep doing one small thing at a time. One thing that you know to be manageable. That will give you success. Keep piling on those 'little' successes and you have a big success.

You can do this. No one ever said it would be easy. Nothing worth while ever is.
Lori

Christine said...

for now make one rule...that no matter what you eat..you have to eat it in front of someone. No eating alone...period. When you go through the store, treat your addiction like an addiction. Label your trigger foods heroin. But that first one will take the denial out of it.

Shellie Ham said...

Please don't be so hard on yourself! you are a beautiful and loving person, love yourself like you love your family, you are so worth it! love reading your blog.....don't ever give up!

Judith said...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling down. The great thing is that you aren't giving up and that you have come so far. You have a beautiful family and you have come so far. You should be so very proud of yourself.

Judith

mamajuliana said...

I just want to add my name to those who are telling you you are not alone. When I read what you wrote started to cry. I am great at loosing weight for a while, then I fall off the wagon and I turn to my old friend-food. I eat alone but like you, folks see the result of my addiction and the results of what I am really trying to hide BY eating the food. The self loathing and hatred get really bad at times..and the cycle goes on. For me, like you, it is a life time struggle. I also feel that no one understands. I get tired of weight loss plans that tell you that you should just get your act together and follow the d--m plan. Well, what do I do if I cant get myself, or understand myself enough, to follow the plan, huh?

Oh, honey. we are sisters...I like one of the other commenters said, have to take it an hour at a time. A day is way too long...

I really wish there was an easy fix for us. Wishing wont do it. I guess struggling will...hopefully.

Lets pray for each other.