In Weigh Over my Head

I had an AWESOME night last night, and I made a decision...

2012-01-28T14:13:00.003-06:00

I was feeling like crap, a little sad about the sleeve situation etc. I am really sick with a sinus infection and I wanted to just go to bed early. BUT... I went to the gym to workout instead! I was so damn proud of myself I smiled all the way home. This week I lost 6 pounds total. Soooo... I made a decision. I am going to wait on everything. I have another appointment with my WLS next week to ask if they fix the ball of tissue thing, will it offer ANY relief. Even small relief from this horrible hunger. If it will, I will get it done asap. If it won't, I will just wait. I will see how far I can get by the summer and go from there. No matter what we do, all of us, not matter if we have had WLS, or we are on a diet program, it all comes down to willpower in the end and I WILL fight for myself. I AM strong. I have come so far. I believe in the sleeve. It has taken me half way. I still recommend it to everyone because for 97% of people it can take you all the way. Anyway, I also believe in exercise. I NEVER did it before and it should have been part of what I was already doing from the beginning. Now that I hit the wall, the stronger I make my body, the better my chances are that I can use that strength to bust the hell out of that wall. :)

Yes, I am still STARVING everyday. That part is really hard. Some of you have asked for a sample of what I eat... Here is sample of what I eat in a day to stay around 900-100 calories

Breakfast: protein shake, 30 grams of protein

Snack: 2 pieces of light baby bell cheese, 14 grams of protein

Lunch: 2 oz of tuna on 1 slice of toasted whole wheat bread: 15 grams of protein

Snack: carb master yogurt, 8 grams of protein

Dinner: chicken breast, no skin with one cup of veggies sprayed with "I can't believe it's not butter" spray, 20 grams of protein

Evening Snack: Protein shake, 30 grams of protein

Total protein per day around 100-115 grams. This should be more than enough to keep me full with a sleeve. I drink around 70 oz of water per day. If I am in the mood for dessert, I have a no sugar jello or pudding. This is why the Dr's can't understand what is going on. I don't drink soda, I don't eat rice etc. If I eat carbs it will be fruit or low fat wheat crackers.

So there you have it. I am going to try and starve it out for now, but I am more than open to learning more about the bypass. Especially because my PCOS is HORRIBLE and it would be awesome to not have to deal with that anymore. Either way, I MUST keep going with the gym and physical fitness. I know some can lose the weight without exercise, but if your goal is to be healthy, you have to move and I have spent enough years sitting on my ass.

So here's the deal, I need your thoughts please...

2012-01-27T08:51:00.004-06:00

I need to start by saying, I need opinions, just be nice about them. :) Thanks. So anyway, my WL surgeon said yesterday that he thinks I hit a brick wall with my sleeve. I have not been in a losing weight phase for months and this early out that is not normal. The upper GI said I do have that weird ball of scar tissue that grew on top of my sleeve but the contrast stuff I drank shows it is not large enough to make that big of a difference as far as the restriction goes. My sleeve itself looks fine, not irregularities, dilations, nothing. Both dr.s can't understand why I have no restriction when my sleeve is the same size it was right after surgery. Basically, because it's unexplained they have no advice other than to revise to the bypass. Here's the thing... I didn't choose the bypass in the first place because of the malabsorbtion issues. I have a lot of medications that I have to take for the rest of my life and that will be a problem. On the other hand, I suffer so much with the PCOS and the bypass can cure it in 97% of people. I am really not sure what to do. I just started with my personal trainer and I want to see where that takes me, but I also want to lose more weight for less pain for my back and hips and to get rid of the PCOS. Because I only have 10% of my stomach, I don't get to eat as many calories as "normal" people do. If I go over 1200 calories per day, I will gain weight so "dieting" for me is really hard because I have to eat around 800 calories per day in order to lose and with NO restriction, I am STARVING all the time. I am so sad about this because the sleeve is the perfect answer for this if it worked for me. I feel like I have failed. I was afraid of this.

BUT, my sleeve HAS DELIVERED ME from my former self. IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE. Remember, I was so deserapte to walk and be able to do things with my family. Now, there is pretty much no limit to the things I can do. For that, I am so grateful and even if I knew I would never go farther than I am now, it was worth it. Had I known about the PCOS cure with the bypass I may have gotten it in the first place, but thats neither here nor there. With all these body issues, I just keep telling myself that only I am in control of how STRONG I can be. The sleeve, or my messed up body can mess with my weight, my PCOS, etc., but it can't stop me from going to the gym. It doesn't keep me from trying to become as strong as possible. I am going to focus on that for right now. My questions is, do you or someone you know have the bypass? How is it going for them? What do you think I should do? Thank you.

** I just want to add, thank you all for your support about everything! I was so uplifted by all the encouragement about the gym and everything. I really appreciate those who care.**

WLS appt wasn't good today... :(

2012-01-26T23:01:00.002-06:00

I will post about it this weekend when I have time to write a novel, but basically I have a failed sleeve. :( I have lots to think about and lots to decide over the next couple of weeks. The surgeon wants me to revise to a bypass. :( On another note, my personal trainer is sick today and had to cancel our appt., but I still went to the gym and worked out anyway. :) Go me. :)

Update on the first night at the gym...

2012-01-24T09:12:00.003-06:00

I will be honest, it started off bad with me in the parking lot, sitting in my car watching people through the windows. Then, I went in and the general manager remembered me from the night I signed up and he put me on the treadmill while I was waiting for my trainer. I felt dizzy and when I tried to let go of the sides I felt like I would fall. I could only walk 10 minutes. I met the trainer and when she started asking me questions, I started to cry. Right there in the gym. So embarrassing. I was thinking about Chris and how she comments to me on my posts about the negative self talk and she is sooo right. I was so afraid someone would make a cow sound, or laugh at me. I am so used to being the gross person in the room. I am so used to seeing myself that way, it is hard to change. I wanted to change my mind. I am so glad I paid for the personal trainer because I would not have stayed unless I "had" to. 20 minutes in to the session, with my once dead muscles burning, I felt wonderful. :) I felt alive and proud of myself for doing more than just surgery to make a healthy body. She had me do some leg machines, crunch machines, the bike and a leg push. I really have NO core body strength so that is our focus for now. My "homework" between sessions is to do 10 sets of 10 squats (100 total) throughout the day at home. Instead of just putting my arms in my hips or in front of me I have to lift them all the way up above my head when I am on my way up from the squat and then lower them on my way down. Once at the gym I have to ride the bike at a low resistance for 30 minutes to get in the fat burning heart rate zone. I will do the weights only when I am with her since I have to be careful about what I am doing due to my back and hips. My appt.s are on Mondays and Thursdays and the rest of the days I just do my "homework." Thanks for all the support all. I am excited to go back tonight! :)

Tonight's the night

2012-01-23T16:55:00.001-06:00

First time at the gym and first session with my personal trainer. I'll let you know how it goes. Yikes!

Last night I did something I never thought I would do...

2012-01-20T17:01:00.003-06:00

I joined a gym AND hired a personal trainer. I start with her on Monday night. (She doesn't work weekends or I would have started right away) I have to admit, I almost cried when I walked in. I am still the fat girl. I am still afraid people will laugh at me or worse, get grossed out at the site of me trying to work out. I have to go very slow. My physical therapist still hasn't cleared me to work out, but I can't wait anymore. I am going to avoid things that would push the limit with my back and my personal trainer is also a PTA so she knows about what I am doing in PT.

Yikes. In three short days I will be the main attraction at the gym "fair." The first prize pig winner being walked around by my handler for all to see. Scary much? Yes. I will let you know how it goes.

I realized I HAVE been binging

2012-01-17T15:55:00.002-06:00

Since weight loss surgery changed how much I can eat, the concept of binging has to change. I can't say I am cured from binge eating because I STILL eat when I am not hungry and I decided that doing so is my new "binging." There is no reason to eat when it is not for nutrition or hunger. If I sit down to eat just for the enjoyment, when I know I don't need it, I am giving in to an addiction that still lives inside me. It finds it's way to the surface when I let my guard down. When I get cocky and thing I am conquered it, or when I think my WLS has "defeated it", I am reminded that like any addict I will have to make choices every day not to "use." I am starting those internal fights again... You can eat it. You can't "binge" on it because you had WLS so just eat a little bit... Eat it today but don't eat any bad thing for the rest of the week... All the old "diet" rationalizations. Yes, Ia m so lucky my stomach is smaller and doesn't allow for one of my "old" binges or I know I would be knee deep in it right now. Although I can't really eat as much as I would if I had not gotten this surgery, that doesn't mean I can't stop my WL all together, revision or not because of poor food choices. It's a reminder that WLS can't cure everything, it's a tool. It's a tool I can use to help me have more strength than the binge monster, more power to fight him, but without "training" and using my tool everyday, it gets weaker. I need to get stronger. Ia m still fighting the good fight. My life is worth it.

WI results from this week

2012-01-15T15:26:00.002-06:00

244, lost 5 pounds. I still need to lose another 5 to get where I was before Christmas, but I'll take it. My new appt with the surgeon is in two weeks and in the mean time I am going tot he nutritionist to try and tweek my food plan to see if I can move this 3 month long stall before my revision surgery. I also have another important appt next week but I can't talk about that just yet... :)

Bi-polar post!

2012-01-11T15:18:00.004-06:00

I am sad, yet happy today. Let's start with why I am sad. I feel like a failure because I need a revision. I know it wasn't my fault that the extra tissue grew, but I still feel like I've failed when I see how much others have lost who were sleeved the same time I was. I pictured myself much farther than I am now. Also, I feel like I am "dieting" again because I have NO restriction yet I have to eat under 1000 calories per day or I will gain weight. I am proud of myself for having the willpower, but it's not fun and the entire reason I got the surgery is so I would not have to go through that anymore. I went so long with restriction then basically woke up one day and it was gone. I am trying to find out why. The PA at the surgeons office is going to call me to go over some things before my appt in the 26th. I am glad they want to help me find the answer to why this happened before I do it again and the same thing happens. On the flip side, I feel like the dr wants me to revise to the bypass. This is fine for some people but because of medications I have to take for the rest of my life, having a bypass could cause major issues since the bypass comes with so many malabsorbtion problems. I know I will NOT revise to the bypass. On another note, I know I will be bashed for this by some, but the infertility issues I left behind long ago have come back full force. More than full force. I haven't felt like this since we had NO KIDS and we were ttc #1. FIVE kids later you would think I would not care and honestly, I have NO interest in having a biological child. I can speak from experience that there is NO DIFFERENCE in the love you feel for children who are adopted. They melt your heart and take your breath away just the same. :) So what is my issue? I want to know what it's like to stay pg. I want to rub my hand over my belly and feel life instead of a fat roll. I want to have the experience of not including social workers and courts in our quest to be parents. They are selfish reasons, but that doesn't stop my mind from going there. I want it all. The thing is, I have it all expect the pg-c experience and that's what matters. I am a mother, I am becoming all I wanted to be, slowly. :) What matters is the little faces I kiss and love everyday. So knowing all of this, why do I feel so barren? So broken? I think maybe my view of "failing" with my surgery reminds me that I have a broken body that was permanently damaged by my weight, binge eating, etc. I have to live with what I have caused forever. The heart damage, the back disability, the hip & knee problems, the infertility, all of it. I lost it all too food addiction. It's powerful to write that. Addiction steals your life. Giving in to that one cookie one time doesn't seem like a big deal, but when you KNOW it is a trigger food for you, you are allowing your food compulsions to take over your life. It takes that one moment, that one second in time to hand your life over to food. to lose what's left of your control. I can't believe I did that my entire life.

I said this was a bi-polar post because at the same time, I look at all these negative things and and I grateful. I am grateful for the kids I have and I know I would not have had them if I was popping out babies. I am grateful for walking in a way most people don't understand. To be almost 100% immobile to being free to go where you want, when you want is nothing short of a miracle. I owe that to my surgery. The freedom to walk around my house with a baby on my hip is glorious. I feel like a "real" mommy to my deserving kids. To be able to go on a date with my husband, to walk and have him hold my hand is beautiful. Again, I would not know these things if it weren't for my surgery. So, to wrap up this bi-polar post, I failed at my surgery, yet love it. I am incomplete, yet complete in all the ways that matter. I can't get pg, but I am a mommy. :) I have disabled my body yet I can move through the world on my own. I haven't reached my Wl goal, but my "quality of life goals" are on track and more. I choose to look at the positives because focusing on the other stuff only brings me down. My life is full of miracles. The more I focus on that, the more miracles I can see. :)

AAAHHH - cranky

2012-01-09T12:01:00.003-06:00

I have to wait until the 26th to find out about my revision because the dr. was leaving on vacation and that day he was running late for appts. and since I have to pick up all my kids after school I could not wait around for 2 and a half hours like I did last time. Whatever. I like that a lot of dr.s offices think we have nothing better to do than sit in their office for almost 3 hours to wait and see them for an appointment that lasts less than 10 minutes. On another note, my scale says I am UP TEN POUNDS???? My period is due in a few days. This number better go down before I start freaking out. I am feeling so "blah" lately. I feel so out-of-it and tired. Could it be because I have major sleep deprivation due to a little perfect someone? In that case, it is all worth it. :)

Pic of the day: Last week I was able to surprise my little guy at school for lunch. He was sooo happy. I am SOOOO grateful that my surgery helped me change my life so much. My kids deserved an active Mommy and now they have one. :)

Follow-up appt. on Friday to see about revision surgery

2012-01-03T16:43:00.002-06:00

I wonder what I will say if he says "do it now." I may be tempted.

My New Year's Resolution is...

2012-01-02T15:47:00.003-06:00

NOT to have a New Year's Resolution. Every year it's the same thing. This is my last year being this fat! I WILL make a change this year! Now it's do or die! (as if the week before it wasn't.) Sorry. Not for me anymore. A resolution is another way to give me something to fail. Instead I am happy to focus every year, no matter what the month, :) on moving towards health. I do like that once the holiday food temptations are gone it is MUCH easier to do that so in that way I love starting "new" but as far as putting all my eggs in one basket, no more. Having said that, I will be starting PT again soon (as soon as I can get the ok from my dr.) in hopes of a better sleep experience. I moved back to the chair for sleeping and I have to admit my back feels sooo much better but now my hips and legs are locking up again. It's a damned if I do, damned if I don't type of situation. Oh well. there are good things to focus on. Today I enrolled my oldest son at the school where my husband teaches and I had my two little ones with me. My 2 year old had to use the potty and since we are knee deep in potty training I didn't want to tell her to try and wait. At the same time, I was feeding the little one who would SCREAM if I tried to take the bottle out of her mouth so I ended up walking to the bathroom while holding her and lifting a toddler on the big potty. lol I know other say, "who cares? People do that every day!" Well, not me. I have NEVER walked with a baby until with this one and have never been able to walk around with TWO little ones without having to worry if their was a chair to sit in on the way or if the bathroom was too far for me to walk. I love that with every little thing that is a problem, there is a larger thing I can be grateful for.

Kind of a step Back :(

2011-12-30T17:15:00.002-06:00

I am going to have to start sleeping in "the chair" again at least a few days per week because my back pain is sooo bad. It feels like someone is taking an axe to my lower back just to roll over. My medical ins. changed so my PT went from no co-pay to $50 PER VISIT! Can't afford that so I am going back in two weeks to try and get an "at-home" type of program. In many ways by back disability is a double edged sword. If I could walk, sleep in a bed, take care of myself at 360 pounds, would I have gotten my surgery? I don't think so. Honestly, my food addiction is so real that even the threat of losing my life wasn't enough for me to stop. It took my back making me home bound from the pain and pressure of all the fat that sent me to the place where I knew I would end up like that mom in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" if I didn't get help. I am grateful for my back problems for that reason, but living in so much pain all the time can take it's toll. It's all the more reason to try to get the scale moving in a downward direction again in order to relieve some of the pressure. I have my appt in Jan. with the surgeon to go over my options. If I am part of the 1% freak show of scare tissue gone crazy, then what are my chances of that happening again? Who knows. for now I am still functioning in "grateful mode." :)

Wow (Christmas pics included)

2011-12-27T11:48:00.006-06:00

I had an amazing Christmas. What a joy and wonder it is to be able to participate in life. What a true blessing. For Christmas Eve we had over 30 people here. I was able to do EVERYTHING without a chair! :) Awesome. It doesn't stop here. :) I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and please have a safe New Year!

Below: our tree right after Santa came :)

Below: Our kitchen...

Stairs...

Entry way...

piano...

Living room from formal dining room...

Choc. Chip pancakes I made for breakfast before the kids came down... (Nope, I didn't eat any)

The kids coming down and seeing that Santa ate the cookies, drank the milk and wipped his feet from the fireplace on the paper towel... :)

So excited... :)

Paper fight after the un-wrapping! :)

Our "Wall of Love" where we place all our Christmas cards. :)...

Sexy Santa pic!

2011-12-22T22:35:00.004-06:00

NOT! lol But maybe one day... lol In the mean time I have to settle for this...

Taken by my older son during our annual "Operation Cookie Drop." My kids LOVe this tradition and this year I went up to some doors too instead of watching it all from the car the ENTIRE time. Awesome. Yes, we made cookies. Lots and lots of them. I will NEVER take away fun holiday traditions due to my food issues. Food has taken over my life enough without those around me having to give up more and more. We make about 200 cookies, all kinds, then pack them up and "drop" them off to friends and neighbors. I keep a few for our own cookie jar. I find it funny that my weight loss surgery makes my cookie tradition more fun. lol Without it, I would not have been able to enjoy going up to the door, seeing the smiles on friends faces, hear my kids saying "Merry Christmas," all of it. I love my sleeve. I am grateful for traditions, even the ones with food. I will host about 30 people at my house for Christmas Eve. NONE of whom are overweight except me. I will offer all the goodies and they will bring goodies of their own. We will enjoy this day with NO thought to food. No thought to binges. I understand most people try to go in to it with plans of what to eat, bringing their own healthy stuff etc., but I for me the obsession about dieting takes away just as much fun as the being fat in the first place part. I choose to ignore foods power over me. I choose to enjoy friends and family, the miracle of Christmas. I will not obsess about calories, portions, the food table etc. Relax and enjoy your holidays folks. It's the dark of night after the guests leave, when the leftovers are calling my name which is the dangerous part. My solution? I buy HUGE cake pans and give them to each family to bring home leftovers. By the time they have all filled up their pans, there is not much left but maybe enough for my own family to pick on the next day. Good solution for all. My family still gets leftovers but there are not enough for me to eat yet still have enough for the family the next day. Not enough for me to hide a binge because there is so much food no one can tell how much is missing. Not enough for me to binge night after night until New Years because "I am starting fresh Jan 1st! This is the year!" Yep. Been there done ALL that. Food is NOT my focus of 2012. HEALTH is my focus. Dieting can be just as much an obsession as food addiction and it leads to the same place 97% of the time. Jump off the hamster wheel.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Wow - I tried something new! :)

2011-12-13T09:00:00.003-06:00

Let me start by saying I HATE HATE HATE shakes that I have to make because I am too busy. I like to open it and drink it. Period. I have been using Premier Protein shakes from Costco for 8 months now. I like them, but I'm bored. So, I tried something new. I have two months worth so even if I hated it I had to use it. lol I admit it was cool to use the little blender thingy I've had since before my surgery. :) To sum it up... it's no milkshake but it's good! I added half a carbmaster yogurt to make it creamy and yum! I added a handful of ice and about 8 oz of water, but it could have been more water. I didn't measure. By the end of the blending I had almost 20 oz. 150 calories from the shake, 30 from the half yogurt. 7 carbs and 27 grams of protein. I will have the same thing for lunch. I think tomorrow I will add Crystal light instead of pure water to really give it a punch.

Food addiction is SOOO real!!!!!

2011-12-07T15:45:00.003-06:00

Not for everyone, but for those that are full blown addicts like me, we have to realize that we will NEVER get to that place to ever really be "free" from addiction. So many food addicts replace their food addictions after surgery with other things, or if you have not had surgery you lose weight but still obsess over EVERY meal and plan it out ALL DAY LONG in your mind. When I used to look at "skinny" girls I would think, I can't wait to look like that and feel great! I would imagine that all my food issues would be gone once I hit my goal weight. "Once I hit my goal weight I will do x,y & z" etc... I was laughing at myself last night because you know you are still a full-blown food addict when you look forward to eating your chewable milti vitamin because the taste resembles candy. :) I have no idea what state I would be in today if I had not had my surgery to help me "manage" my addiction, but it's so important that I spread the message that surgery, dieting, a new "weight loss program" will NEVER "cure" you of a food addiction. Just like other addictions, you can live in recovery, but you have to face the addiction most everyday and be willing to say "no" to your former best friend each time it wants to "get back together." Don't get me wrong, there are days where I feel free, there are days where I regret my surgery because it keeps me away from my besting friend Binging. BUT, most days are filled with appreciation for LIFE. No matter what plan you use to try and get healthy, the goal is LIFE. Not a certain weight on the scale, not a clothing size, but the ability to live life to it's fullest and most sincere. I hope with the new year we all don't bogg ourselves down with resolutions that only highlight our failures days or months later, but we commit any day of the year to try to live our lives to the best of our abilities. I still need to learn this. I still need to work on this in more ways than just managing my addiction. I need to re-learn how I see myself. I need to stop calling myself ugly when my face breaks out or when I catch a look at my hanging skin in the mirror. I need to tell myself that my hair isn't straw and that everyone at church looks better than me. I need to stop looking around a room to see if I'm the fattest one EVERYWHERE I go. Too late to make a long story short, but I chose right now to make a good choice. I am going to get off the computer and be productive. :)

For your viewing pleasure, here is our Christmas tree this year... :)

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! :) - pic of this little person... :)

2011-12-04T13:37:00.005-06:00

I had an awesome weekend. I watched my older son's school choir sign at the mall then he and my older daughter had an ice skate party with other school kids. This mall is awesome and the ice skate rink is right there in the mall so we spent a LONg day there with the little kids visiting Santa as the older kids were skating, then the performance... And I was WALKING around ALL day and it was GREAT! I have to keep reminding myself that even if I never lose another pound, I am sooooo grateful to be walking. It's amazing. Of the food front, my new "shakes" came in the mail so I am going to try these instead of the Costco brand to see if they keep me fuller-longer. I have an appt with the surgeon after the 1st of the year to get my options for a revision surgery based on what the tissue does during this "mostly" liquid phase. Whatever. I am so happy with what I have already, anything else is icing on the cake. My real challenge is still my back. I can't express how painful it is to lay down or try and get out of bed and I have to do that several times a night with the baby. :) My ins. changed and started all over so I can't afford the $75 per visit co-pay to go to PT three times per week. We will have to make it once per month and the PT will give me mostly a home plan. :( It's still better than nothing.

Amazing!

2011-11-27T19:07:00.003-06:00

I had the most amazing Thanksgiving holiday. My high school friends came from out of state to stay with us and left this morning. We hosted Thanksgiving again this year with tons of friends, I took a ride on the Polar Express yesterday with our friends and my family, I have gone to see downtown Christmas lights, cooked my butt off, all without ANY limitations. We have our newest little addition... I am sooooooooooooooo grateful for my surgery. It's because I prayed and got my answer to move forward with it that I am able to experience the type of holiday I always used to say I would have "next year." No more next year! No more..." by this time next year I will be such and such pounds and be able to do this..." SCREW THAT! The time is now! Today's the day! The moment is NOW! :) Wow. I am happy. Still fat in the eyes of most, but so damn happy.

Update from my dr. appt

2011-11-22T15:09:00.003-06:00

Well, it turns out I am indeed the 1% of people who has scar tissue expand. Whatever. I am still VERY happy with getting this surgery and will do a revision if I have too. I am on kind of a pre-op diet again to see if the mass will shrink or if it does not which will tell the dr. the options for revision. I am STILL at 236. I swear my body is working against me at all costs to keep from going down from that number. :) The baby is so perfect and such a joy. All of our kids are adjusting so well to her and having her during this holiday season makes it so much more fun. :) We are having my fiends from out of state join us for Thanksgiving and they will stay a few days. I love hosting guests especially when my body allows me to participate in the fun. We just bought tickets to the Polar Express. I am not worried about the food. I will make the Thanksgiving feast just as I have EVERY year, only this year I will not be rolling around on a chair. :) I hope everyone has a GREAT Thanksgiving!

I've been busy with... :)

2011-11-13T16:08:00.003-06:00

(the photographer came to our house to do the newborn pics. She is taking a shot from above in this pic. :)
This perfect blessing... :) Live is amazing and YES! I owe it to my surgery! I was holding the baby the other day, bouncing her in my arms while STANDING. like a normal mother would. It hit me all of a sudden.. I am standing and holding my baby! Soooo normal for most people but something that brought me to tears. I feel like I am over the weight loss phase of my life. I know 237 is still massively fat for most people, but coming from 360 it feels pretty good. At this point I focus on health. Weight loss is a bonus... lol My appointment with my surgeon is this Wednesday and I will find out if he recommends a revision. If I need it, I won't be able to get it done until the summer. If he recommends the bypass I will NOT do it. I know many have had success with that but the malabsorbtion issues would be too dangerous for me considering my need to take blood thinners from my strokes etc. Again, my first surgery was to save my life. I don't agree with surgery in order to just look better. I will rely on the gym and physical therapy to help with that. :) Anyway, I am a happy girl right now. I am sooo blessed with my family and some good close friends. I am happy to be rid of "friends" who are only around when they want something from you. I feel free from so much baggage by cutting back on the negative influences in my life. It is so much easier to see the blessings you have without all the darkness effecting your vision. :) I feel about fat the same way. I am STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BE AN ADDICT. I still think of food. I imagine the type of binges I could have if I had not had my surgery. I STILL fight regret when faced with the truth that binging is not a way I can cope even if I wanted too. It is so weird for your mind to still want something it knows you are not capable of giving it anymore. That part never turns off and for those who think surgery will kill it 100%, PLEASE know that is NOT true. BUT... it does keep you from giving in because you have no choice. Anyway, I feel that the layers of fat were barriers from real happiness. It's so hard to see through them to the world outside. Sorry, I am all over the place today but I will try to update after my appt. as far as the results. If I am some kind of freak show who has had her stomach grow back, I will not be surprised. :)

Weight Loss Picture update

2011-11-07T13:25:00.007-06:00

This pic was taken on Friday night. My hubby and I went out on a date the night before we brought the new baby home. During the date we walked around the mall holding hands, watched ice skaters and went out to dinner. I felt like I was walking on air because I had not done this with him in about 8 years because of my weight/back. (p.s., the pants are a size 18!) :)So, I am now a sexy beast because I fit in to my black boots which I have not worn for YEARS! (My ankles got to fat so they would not close.)

This is me in our hospital room (the hospital gave us our own room, isn't that cool?) right before we went to the nursery to pick up the baby and bring her home. What a miracle that was made possible by my surgery in so many ways. #1, I could not walk more than a few feet before surgery #2, I could not have picked up a new baby #3, I am happier than I have EVER been which makes sleepless night much more bearable. :) Sorry, I know I look a mess in this pic but I had already cried off all my make-up. lol Thanks for all the congrats! I appreciate it so much! I am STILL at 237 which means I have been in a stall for almost 2 months. BUT... my body is still changing and I can do more and more each day so I'm all good!

My BIG news is...

2011-11-04T00:22:00.000-05:00

Meet Baby Girl "C" :)

Born today weighing in at 8 pounds 3 ounces, 19 inches long

The birth mother is a friend of our family and she is nothing less than an angel.

I was allowed to be in the room and cut the cord!

One of the most beautiful experiences ever. We've known since the birth mom was about 7 weeks along. We found out about 2 weeks before my surgery. I knew in that moment that I HAD to do this in order to be able to not only be the mom my other 4 kids deserve, but to be the mom this new little one would need. Today was perfect. I just got home about an hour ago. I am in-love. :)

BIG hint for my special announcement!!! :)

2011-11-02T23:55:00.000-05:00

Big news tomorrow... :)

Got the upper GI today...

2011-11-02T12:54:00.000-05:00

I have a ball on top of my sleeve. Nice. I have an appointment next week to talk about where we go from here. :(

I've decided to finally show a pic of my family... :)

2011-10-31T19:43:00.001-05:00

This week will be life changing...

2011-10-31T08:19:00.000-05:00

In more ways than one. So I may need a revision with my surgery. I have a lot less restriction than I am supposed too. I have NEVER eaten enough food to throw up so I know there is room in there for whatever I am eating. I can still loose weight so for now I'm good, but my sleeve may be longer than average which allows for more room for food. At this point, I can do most things I want to do but my back is still REALLY bad and the more weight I can take off my back the better. It will be good to find out what we are dealing with in case my weight loss stops before I get to a place that is best for my back and hips. Second, I will be able to tell you about my life-changing news THIS WEEK! I am so excited. I owe all of these awesome experiences to God and my weight loss surgery. :) I prayed and prayed about doing it and ALWAYS received confirmation that it's what I needed in order to save my life and it was! Saving my life went FAR beyond physical weight. My heart was dying. My mind was over-run. I felt myself going further and further in to my addiction and I was losing everything about me I once knew. WLS has helped pull me out of that black hole but I have so much work to do on my own. I still have the ability to eat whatever I want and some days it's hard to say no. Not because of cravings, but because of emotions. I am so tied emotionally to food. A holiday is not a holiday without certain foods. I feel like I HAVE to eat it in order to legitimize the day. I know that sounds crazy, but it's my reality. My addition is still here, but I have a tool to try and help me control him. The difference now is that I KNOW I will win.

Pic of another first... :)

2011-10-29T19:13:00.001-05:00

(The kid in the orange is not my son, but he was the only kid turned around so I had to block his face) :)

On Friday I was able to chaperone my sons kindergarten field trip to the pumpkin patch. I was enlisted to help hide things in a hay maze, hand out lunches, help in the craft room... :) It was awesome. I will say it again, the surgery was the BEST thing I have ever done for myself, even if the results on Tuesday don't come out as I would want. On that note, at least I will know in less than a couple of weeks if I will need a revision. If I do, I will do it in a New York minute.

I did it! I did it! I did it!!!!! (pic included:) - holy crap I did it!

2011-10-25T08:13:00.000-05:00

I slept in my bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL NIGHT! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALMOST 3 YEARS! We just painted our bedroom so please ignore the bare walls. Anyway, in case you didn't catch that... I SLEPT IN MY BED! I am so excited! I can't explain how it feels to do something so normal to other people, but something I have not been able to do for so long. I will admit, my back hurt like hell but I am going to have to ease in to it. Maybe one day on the chair and one day in the bed until I can get used to it. We are redecorating our room and my hubby cleaned all the carpets last night so since the bed was moved to a new place int he room, I decided, "what the hell?!" Just give it a try for an hour or so..." I waited until about 2am when I was really tired. (I am a total night owl) The next thing I know it was time to get up and get the kids out for school. I guess that isn't technically the entire night, but I don't go to sleep until about 1am every night and get up at 6:30am so to me it's all night. :) Wow, I slept in my bed... he he :)

This pic is why I don't give a CRAP about the scale...

2011-10-23T14:11:00.000-05:00

I have my life back and that's ALL that matters. My daughter took this pic of me this morning because it's the first time in about 5 years that I wore a necklace. I NEVER do because I think it makes my face look too fat. It still does, :) but I'm glad I did it. I am NOT going to weigh myself until Nov. 1st. I have gone down one pound to 236, but I feel GREAT. I can't allow myself to be defined by my scale and get let down by the stall. All I can do is look at the great things going on and be grateful. That's all any of us can do.

My big secret...

2011-10-20T15:56:00.001-05:00

I can reveal the awesome news 2 weeks from today! I can't wait to be able to share what it is!

Recent pic of me from this weekend....

2011-10-18T15:24:00.000-05:00

At the FAIR! I have NEVER been since we moved here (5 1/2 years ago) because I could not walk. Not only did I walk, but I pushed our double stroller the ENTIRE time. Yes, that is a corn dog in my hand. lol I bit the top off (the best part)and then gave the rest to my kids. lol On the WL front, I have been stalled for over a month. It sucks and although I try to focus on my new life, it's hard to see the scale not moving. I am going to try some new things to see if that re-starts things. My big secret reveal is VERY soon! :) Stay tuned!

6 months out follow-up appointment

2011-10-13T08:22:00.000-05:00

According to the Dr. I am not losing as fast as others, but I am on track and I will need to bump up the physical activity now. My hormones are RAGING because I am getting my period back which is good because it means I am getting "normal" again but not good because PMS sucks. :) So, in order to start "bumping things up" I walked my son to school this morning! It was sooo awesome! I loved the crisp air, pushing the stroller (for my 2 year old), watching my big boy walk in front of me... :) I am loving my new walking shoes and plan to use them everyday!

I have a friend from church who walks her daughter to school and we are going to walk together every morning. Tomorrow my oldest daughter gets to play with the local high school marching band during the half time show (she is in 7th grade band) so I plan to wear my awesome shoes tomorrow night to help me navigate the large football stadium. I am a freak for pictures so I will no doubt be running all over the place trying to get the best shot of her on the field. I am excited that I get to go and watch her do something she enjoys so much. I am so glad that she gets a mom who is able to attend instead of the old mom who would have had to stay home.

On another note, I took this pic as we were walking out to the van to go to church on Sunday. My 5 year old LOVES to "help" my 2 year old and he is always looking out for her. I love how close they are. :)

You realize how fat you still really are when...

2011-10-08T11:24:00.000-05:00

you go shopping for a Halloween costume. I am still to "fat" to buy a costume from a store. (the plus sizes only go up to 22/24 and although I am in a size 20 in regular clothes, I am convinced the costume "plus sizes" are more like 14's. :) A let down for sure. I was really hoping that this year I didn't have to dress in all black and throw a witch hat on and call it a costume, but it looks like I do have another year of that. :( I am trying not to focus on this, but I admit it stings.

So awesome!

2011-10-06T16:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went walking with a couple of other music class moms! (our toddlers are in the class) Not only did I walk, I walked for over a mile!!!! I warned them that I may not make it more than a block because I have not gone on a walk in over 2 years. To top it off, I wore new tennis shoes (I have worn sandals only for about 2 1/2 years because I could not bend over enough to tie shoes, I wore them even in the snow!) And to extra top it off, I didn't have to put my foot on a chair, or rest my foot on my knee in order to tie them: I could do it by bending over! :) I took a pic to prove it! lol

You may notice I have new music playing... :) Are you ready? :)

So I am still stalled and have been for a couple of weeks now. What really helps me get through these times are focusing on all the great new things I can do. Tonight I am going out with girlfriends to celebrate a birthday. We are going to a downtown area known for walking around and 6 months ago I would have had to pass on the invite as I have done for YEARS. No more! :)

If things gross you out, DON'T look at this pic

2011-10-03T17:17:00.000-05:00

It seems my body is not absorbing the internal stitches as it should so one of them started coming out of my stomach! It is the same incision that keeps bleeding and this weekend I looked down and it looked like part of a band-aid was stuck on there and as I pulled a string came out! Then, it stopped and pulled the crap out of my insides! I try to pull it out but you can feel where it is stitched inside my body and causes my entire stomach to lift when I pull. I will see the dr this week. Yuck!

So hard to keep this secret...

2011-09-29T14:22:00.000-05:00

But, I can reveal it soon! It is one of the main reasons I KNEW I had to move forward with surgery. If you already know, please don't say anything here just yet. :) On another front, I am feeling so sure that I need to take the next step and join a gym and get a personal trainer. I have to start from zero and physical therapy is great but it is for stretching and not for weight training. (per my PT) She hasn't cleared me yet, but maybe I can convince her to just let me work on my arms. I re-new my handicap placard today, hopefully for the LAST time. There are still some places where the walk is just to far from the car but as far as other places I am all good. My back is STILL not at a place where I can sleep in a bed and I REALLY want that. I am trying to not look at the negatives of my situation because there is SOOOO much positive, but the fact of the matter remains... I did this to myself. The weight gain on my kind of back disability damaged me further to the point where I could never be 100% again. My beginning stage heart disease can't be reversed. These re things I feel where stolen from me by my food addiction, but I am still mad at myself for not seeing it. All the rationalising, all the new diets on "Monday," the "I am going back to THIs plan or starting THIS plan" is ALL the voice of addiction. And I gave in, BIG TIME. I lost control of who I am. I have said it before... addiction robs you of the life you want, the life you need, and the life you deserve. There is no "I'll start fresh on Monday" when you have forever damaged the INSIDE of your body. This is something I will have to live with forever, but I MUST forgive myself in order to move forward. I am not there yet. The more "new" things I get to do every day is another thing I realize that I was not able to do because of my addiction. It is yet ANOTHER thing I allowed my food obsession to control. I should have been stronger. I should have fought harder. On the positive side, how many 34 year olds get to have a re-birth where almost everything in their life is new? :) I get to experience new things EVERY DAY and I am soaking it up. There will come a day where I get "used" to all these things and I will look back on this site to remind myself to find the joy in every moment of every day and be thankful for the smallest things.

6 months post-op update with new pics!

2011-09-26T13:04:00.001-05:00

‎‎6 months out update: I have lost 73 pounds and gone from a size 32/34 pants to a loose size 20. My shirts were size 5X (or around 32/34's) and yesterday I wore a 2X! I still have HUGE boobs and they have only gone down one size so when I post my side pics you will see why I look like a Dolly Parton freak and why I haven't gone down much in shirt size. :) Things I can do: cross my legs, stand and walk for an hour at a time, take showers, lift things, go ANYWHERE I WANT, the list is so long I could never put it all down. If I never lose another pound I am still happy. Right now I'm in a place I have only dreamed of for almost 10 years. I feel like I am dating my husband all over again. He has not seen this part of me since we met 16 years ago. My kids are meeting a new mom. I was all over the place for my daughter's birthday party on Sat. and to most people it may have looked normal but for me it was huge. I was taking part instead of barking orders from the sidelines. I walk around sometimes for no reason, just because it feels like my body wants to move. I don't sit very often at social functions. I can eat anything I want. That is good and bad. Good because I feel so "normal" because I have NO food restrictions, I don't have to "diet" and I can be a part of the crowd. Bad because I still have to make good choices on my own. Sometimes that is harder than other times, but this surgery gives me the upper hand on those choices. My health is great. TMI here... I do have hard stool which is a side effect from my vitamin. I have hair loss but the hair that does stay in my head :) is shiny and healthier than it's been in a long time. I had to have my gallbladder out but I feel NO effects from that and my incisions have not re-opened all week. (I have been trying to take it easy)

My goals for the next 6 months: #1: sleep in a bed. (still working on this in physical therapy) #2: join a gym #3: start walking in October with a few ladies from church #4: DRINK MORE WATER... this is a hard one for me because I HATE water and all things that resemble water. lol #5: look in to breast reduction surgery. Ok, well thanks for reading my update!

120 pounds lost - weight loss surgery MYTHS

2011-09-22T08:17:00.001-05:00

239.8

#1, So I read lots of WL blogs and when people are saying why they don't chose surgery they often site weight gain several years after surgery. I would like to point out that weight gain with "normal" weight loss is a 97% probability. It is MUCH less for weight loss surgery. #2, I also read about nutrient deficiencies. I DID NOT HAVE THE BYPASS and I do NOT have a malabsorbsion issue. I take a multi-vitamin and calcium C. That's it. #3, "Your hair falls out so it has to be unhealthy!" If you have rapid weight loss of ANY kind you may have some hair loss. I do have some hair loss but my hair is also much shinier and a LOT stronger than before surgery. #4, You will have gallbladder issues. The reason why 30% of weight loss surgery patients have to get their gallbladder removed is because of PRIOR damage by eating high fat foods for so long. When mine was taken out it was highly scarred and damaged due to the years of abuse I have put my body through. #5, (my favorite) I don't want to take the "easy way out." Nice, and STUPID. With my surgery I can eat ANYTHING I want. NO RESTRICTIONS. This means if I want to eat a gallon of ice cream I could because it would go down just fine. I could eat bags of chips or anything else for that matter. I have to CHOOSE not to every day. JUST LIKE BEFORE SURGERY. I have to make the CHOICE to go to physical therapy and make the CHOICE to drink my water and eat the right food, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. The part that is "easier" is that I don't have binge cravings as I did before and this gives me the boost I need to help make healthy choices. If any of you read my blog before you know that my binging was my vice and it was the thing that was killing me. I had to make a medical choice to get help for my problem in order to save my life. Weight loss surgery is a TOOL I use daily to help me take baby steps toward health and a LIFELONG healthy lifestyle. I have NEVER met anyone who has gained back ALL of their weight after weight loss surgery (unless they have the band, I have met quite a few band people who have(I am not saying don't get the band, I'm sure it works great for a lot of people, I am just stating what I have personally seen in real life with people I know)) but no matter what healthy tool you decide to use, anything that will give you extra control to help you move forward with creating a healthy life is a good thing. That is different for everyone but please, know the facts before making weight loss surgery part of your platform. Sadly, I read these "facts" on blogs where I have watched people gain and lose weight OVER AND OVER again, just like me. If you don't want to do it, just say that. It's not the wrong choice, I am NOT for everyone running out to get surgery. In my case it was to save my life and I would do it 100 times again. It's not for everyone but it's been AWESOME for me. :)

Today - out of this world!

2011-09-14T13:36:00.000-05:00

My sweet little baby girl started dance class today. I got her ready, took a million pics, drove her to class, talked with the teacher, talked with another mom (all while standing), came home and got an e-mail from my sons school about attending "room mom" orientation... Today, I feel as though I am a new mom. After 4 kids, it is only now that my body is able to do all the things I have longed to do in the past. Now I am the mom who I used to watch from my car window, or read about on Facebook updates. I had one of those moments today where I started to cry from the gratefulness I felt. I can now be there person who helps out a friend when she is not feeling well or who makes plans with her family to attend the State Fair. As I tucked my sweet little girl in for her nap I again thanked my Heavenly Father for answering my lifelong prayer about my weight and giving me the courage to go forward even when my addiction was trying to change my mind. Life is so precious. All of this is new for me and I am enjoying these moments. Each and EVERY one. :) Morbid Obesity is a thief. It steals you from life, from yourself and from others. I am glad I did what I had to do in order to lock him up. :)

I am so tired of reading the same crap on all the weight loss blogs!

2011-09-13T08:04:00.000-05:00

I read that a lot. For the most part it is written when someone has found the "answer" to weight loss and thinks everyone else is "doing it wrong." The bloggers are usually in their honeymoon stage of weight loss (yes, there is such a thing) and they "want everyone to feel as good as they do." I admit those type of posts make me a little upset. Yes, on 90% of WL blogs you will see everyone going up and down. You will see excuse after excuse (justifications) as to why they are triggered to eat etc. You will see the "new commitment on Monday" type of thing. My blog was like that for 4 years and I had many bloggers tell me they had the answer and that I was pathetic because I had been blogging so long and losing then regaining weight. WELL... Sorry to be part of the 97% of the world population that struggles to keep weight off. I firmly believe in food addiction. Food addiction has a cycle and part of that cycle, like other cycles of addition include relapse. IT IS PART OF THE PROCESS. I read the same blogs almost every day. I feel like I know these people. We have been in each other's lives for years. I SEE addiction. I watch as the blogger goes down the slippery slope. I read the excuses, I hurt for what I know is happening. BUT, I NEVER say anything mean about it because each fight for health is a journey only that person can take. I had a few comments over the years by LOVING people who were concerned. Really good comments, really ACCURATE comments but at the time, knee deep in my addiction I didn't see it. Now, I see things for what they are and realized that so many were right. It must have been hard for those who cared to read my up and down OVER AND OVER. I often ask myself why I let things get as bad as they did. The simple answer to that is that I am a food addict. I was riding the cycle of addiction and now I am watching that ride take other people up and down the same way. It hurts to read, but I know it is PART OF THE PROCESS. Some people are released from the clutches of addiction. Some will never know that freedom. :( As humans, we are here to love each other through this. Just like you learn in the 12 step programs that are for family members of addicts, YOU CAN'T SAVE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. Trying to "let people know about themselves" will not help. No one will get there until they are READY to get there. So the next time you my be thinking that you are tired of reading the same type of blogs etc., remember that there is a person on the other side of that blog, maybe you are one of them, who is trapped by food addiction. They deserve love, they deserve friends, they deserve to have hope. I am sooo grateful to those of you who have taken your time to continue to read about my journey. Please go support someone today. :)

Not many people know about this...

2011-09-10T12:43:00.000-05:00

http://www.lautenberg.senate.gov/stopandremember/stop-remember.cfm

Please click on the link and share. This was approved in the senate this summer and not many people know about it.

Still here

2011-09-08T15:38:00.000-05:00

Right after my gallbladder surgery I felt GREAT. so great that the day I got home I started doing regular stuff, going shopping, etc. THEN, about 5 days after I started having HORRIBLE right side pain when I breathed in. I went to my Dr. who sent me to the ER. Turns out I have a side effect from the GB surgery where the lining f your lung becomes inflamed. To top it off my top incision (I have 4) opened so I am under strict instructions not to wear a bra for a week. This is a problem. I am a size HHH so when I walk my boobs SWING AND SLAP TOGETHER. Not pretty. So, i am on self imposed house arrest for the rest of the week. :) Other than that I am feeling great. I have not been getting on the scale because I am just enjoying life. I just remembered so I hopped on the scale yesterday to see that after a three week stall I am down 6 pounds from last week. :) I am 2 pounds away from losing 120. (almost at 70 lost from surgery) This month on the 21st will be my 6 month anniversary of the day I made the choice to LIVE. The BEST thing I have ever done. I eat normal food. I don't diet or count calories. I am "normal." Thank the Lord.

Home From the hospital

2011-08-31T16:15:00.000-05:00

Banged up, but doing pretty good. The Dr. told my husband that my gallbladder was pretty beat up. It even had scar tissue! That is what all those years of yo-yo dieting have done to my insides. If you are on that same cycle, please remember that eating crap has effects you can't see. You could be destroying your body from the inside out. anyway, I have blurry vision so I am going to sign off. thanks for all the well wishes.

Second surgery in 3 days :(

2011-08-27T22:59:00.001-05:00

Well, I have my second surgery in 5 months coming up in just three short days. I am VERY nervous. The Dr. said it is an "easy" surgery and my recovery should be easier than last time with the WLS. I have morbid thoughts of being under etc. It is weird because my gallbladder attack was only for one evening, then a dull pain for a couple of days and now it's gone. I fell GREAT so it's hard to understand why I need it taken out. BUT, I do know that GB attacks can lead to infections etc. and I don't want it to turn in to an emergency situation later. I still have over 70 pounds to go to reach my goal weight and I am ready for all this medical crap to be over. I will update as soon as I can afterwards. Thanks for caring.

Kinda awesome... :) & therapy session details

2011-08-24T19:12:00.000-05:00

I had to go to the surgeons office today to confirm that I need gallbladder surgery and I do. It's scheduled for this Tuesday. (prayers welcome) Anyway, yesterday I had e-mailed is PA with the comparison pic from my last post and she was shocked. :) So.... I have been asked if my pics and story can be used in their education classes and seminars! This makes me feel AWESOME because the reason why I started this blog was to reach out to and maybe help other people who were addicted to food. I allowed myself to get blog bullied by a crazy person and I retreated within myself because that is what the fat girl does most of the time. Puts her head down and tries not to get noticed. I was so sad that my story and journey was lost in the drama. Now, I feel like I get a new chance to help others. I have a new way to reach out to people who are suffering as I did. I went to therapy today and realized my entire outlook has changed in 5 short months. The clouds in my head are all but gone as far as being the fat one who wants to hide in the corner. I have never had a problem expressing myself, but I never felt part of the world around me. I never belonged. I was always the outgoing fat girl who made people laugh or cry. I made fun of myself before anyone else could so I was a “cool” fat person. I was accepted but I knew I was an imposter. They really didn’t know the person inside who was hurting everyday that I was not “one of them.” I could not shop in the same stores, I had no idea what it was like to get asked to the prom by someone who liked you. I smiled for the camera then cried at home. Even in commanding large crowds, I was alone. I now want to break down doors and be present in the world. I hope to be a small part in helping others get to this place. I still have such a long road ahead and a ton more weight to lose so I'm flattered that they want to use my story since it's really only just beginning. I feel so validated that I made the right choice for me. Now, I need to get through this second surgery. Thanks for listening.

Bad News :(

2011-08-21T15:22:00.001-05:00

I went out Friday night with my husband and one other couple to celebrate their birthdays and a dull pain started in my right side. I thought it was gas so I took some gas-x strips before we left. As the night went on, the pain got worse and worse. By then end of the night I was sweating from the pain. My hubby took me to the ER. Turns out it is my gallbladder and I have a "ton" of stones. It needs to come out. :( I REALLY didn't want another surgery because the WLS was such a hard recovery for me. I will find out tomorrow when this will happen. We have something big happening in our family in a couple of months and I need to be 100% for that. (can't say what it is right now) Anyway, aside from this, I have been feeling GREAT! I can fit in to a size 20 jeans that don't stretch! :)

new comparison pic! - 60 pounds lost since surgery (in 4 months)

2011-08-15T09:37:00.000-05:00

My daughter took this pic of me on Friday before the jr. high orientation. I felt like a million bucks. It's amazing how in 4 and a half months my life can change so drastically. I love my sleeve. I LOVE my life. I am grateful beyond words!

so, 60 pound update... (the other 50 I lost was before surgery)

* I can walk even farther
* I can stand for up to an hour (before surgery I could only stand for a minute or two)
* I have more confidence
* I learned I LOVE to cook! This one is a shocker! Before I always wanted fast meals like fast food or restaurant food because it was "hard" for me to cook meals and honestly I wanted them faster than I could cook them.
* I find myself seeing other "food addicts" everywhere I go. I notice the wobble, the leaning on the carts, the grimace on the face of pain, and each time I want to cry. For them and for me having spent so many years like that. I wish I could run up to everyone and tell them there is an answer. But like with other addictions, they have to be the one that is ready.
* I am a better mother. Stuff doesn't get to me AT ALL the way it used to before surgery. As an addict, I was wrapped up in my addiction. My food and binging came first. No matter how many times I said my family was the most important thing in my life, I was a liar. If that were true, I would not have let myself become immobile and miss out on their lives as much as I did.
* I am a better wife. My poor husband worked full time then had to come home and do everything, do all the shopping, all the set up for any holiday etc. I was present, but I played the role as "fatty supervisor." You know the type. the one that was perched on a couch nest barking out orders to everyone else but never gets off her fat @ss to do any of it herself. Now, I am more of his partner. There are still many things I am not able to do, but I try more and more. I was worried he would have a hard time not being the "savior" after my surgery, but I can tell he is excited for my new energy.
* I am more exposed than ever. My fat shield is coming down and that makes me uncomfortable. My feelings that have been stuffed deep inside my body are moving closer and closer to the surface and this is scary for me. I am still in therapy EVERY week, but even there I don't feel comfortable when I notice that my body no longer allows me to push down my feelings. I try, believe me. It is a mind trip that a weight loss surgery has such an effect on the mind. This is a territory that I actually would rather not go in to, but for some reason my body rejects me repressing things since surgery so I am FORCED to look at things. I hope to be able to share them here as long as I feel safe.

Thanks for looking at yet ANOTHER update pic. lol

You will NEVER GUESS what I did???!!! (fatty porn pics included) lol

2011-08-11T11:10:00.000-05:00

Ok, here's the fatty porn pic. lol You know I love to get in to a bathing suit to really compare. I have the fattest, whitest legs, and no makeup, but I still felt great. Life is for living! :)

I wanted to do something totally different in order to celebrate my new life for my birthday. All the years of putting off the real fun because "next year I will lose the weight" is over for me. Even if I never lose another pound I have to be happy in my own skin. Lose and all. I started the morning with swimming for two hours. I hosted our church playgroup at our neighborhood pool so I was in front of everyone in all my glory. You know I have done this in the past and I firmly believe in NOT stopping your life because of your weight. So, I got some good exercise for two hours. Then, I took my son to his kindergarten testing, went home and got ready for my birthday night. :) My hubby decorated our kitchen so cute and bought me roses. We went to dinner at this awesome Mexican place that serves single small tacos so I feel like I am getting a real meal like everyone else. lol This place is a downtown shop type area that for YEARS I had only seen through a car window, and now I have been there twice in two months. :) Anyway, we sat outside next to the fountain and had a great time. That was supposed to be it, but I had decided earlier that this year I had to do something I ha never done before, and something I COULD NOT do before surgery due to my weight. Sooo... I came up with go-cart racing! I haven't even THOUGHT of doing this in the past because #1, I would be too big to fit and #2, I could never get down low enough to get in in the first place. Last night all that changed. I OWNED that cart, flying around the corners, racing my kids, feeling the wind in my hair... It was so freeing! It was a feeling I have not felt since I was a little girl. After dinner we went home and celebrated with a little cake and gifts. It was the perfect day.

110 pounds lost! :) - On my birthday! :)

2011-08-10T10:01:00.000-05:00

On my birthday. This is a wonderful gift to myself. :) I have a busy day ahead... I am hosting a playgroup at the pool, I have to pick up my daughter from summer band practice, go to physical therapy, collect items for the church give & get, then my hubby is taking me and the kids out to celebrate my birthday with dinner and a stroll in a wonderful downtown area that I love and used to only see through the window of a car because I could not walk around. I love living life. I love that I made the choice to SAVE my life. Every birthday is a blessing. Have a great day folks! :)

a pic of me from a changing room at Lane Bryant...:)

2011-08-05T14:20:00.000-05:00

I didn't realize it was this blurry, but I am wearing a size 20 jeans!!! At the time of my surgery (4 months ago) I was in a 32! I actually felt like hot stuff for the first time EVER in a dressing room. :) lol Can't wait to do it again! lol The shirt is a size 22! (I have HHH sized boobs so I always have to get bigger shirts. I was up to a 5x before surgery. I found out in this same trip my bra size has gone "down" to a 'G'. The next surgery for me is a breast reduction. :)

Not all rainbows and lollipops...

2011-08-03T11:46:00.000-05:00

I think I need to add some balance here. Surgery for me was the most wonderful thing I could have ever done for myself. I have so many new moments. This morning I am 255. That is a 105 pound WL. 55 pounds since surgery 4 months ago. I am reaping the benefits now, but the beginning was more than hard. To start, the liquid diet before surgery was the WORST part. This is withdrawal for any food addict. Every sound, every voice, every gust of wind was like knives cutting me. Every thought was of food. Every dream, every thought, every wish. It was a HORRIBLE two weeks. I cried almost everyday. It really hit me how much I needed help. Then after the surgery, those same issues came up about three or four days after surgery. I was STARVING. The hunger chemical was still in my system (the stomach produces Ghrelin which tells your brain you are hungry. When the stomach is removed, you no longer produce Ghrelin.)

I could not eat and I could barely drink about 8 oz of water per day. I was in so much pain. I would not do anything. I needed my poor husband to take me to the bathroom and wipe me. It was a very low moment for me. I stayed that miserable for almost a month. Then, I started noticing I could do more and more. It's been like that ever since. Each new day brings a new thing I can do. Right after my surgery, I was having SERIOUS regrets. I missed food so much. I missed the relationship my mind had with food. I had no source of comfort, peace, happiness... In therapy I talked about my lack of coping skills without food. That first two months or so were hard mentally above all else. I was still in what I would call "withdrawal." Now, 4 months later EVERYTHING is different. I still get to enjoy food. I am "normal" now when it comes to food. I am never hungry and I eat very small portions, but even with those small portions I am completely full and satisfied which for me was something I never got from dieting. I have said this before... This surgery is NOT for everyone. I had lost control on so many levels and needed medical help. Doing this has also exposed me to some of the inside layers emotionally which in the past I could bury with food. I am just now starting to explore my grief from the lost of my Papa and Grammie. I am just now getting to the deep levels of shame I felt as a child as a result of getting molested. I told my therapist last week that I now feel like my issues are right under my skin, trying to get out and I don't feel ready to "see" them. In my mind, I still know that a binge would drive those issues back down "where they belong" but I no longer physically have that option so I have no other choice but to start addressing things as they surface. Anyway, I guess this post has lots of thoughts. Thanks for reading.

A pic to explain why I am indeed a rock star!... :)

2011-07-31T23:22:00.001-05:00

You see the big yellow water slide? Well, I went down that thing! I, Lisa, went on a WATER SLIDE!!!! It was my first time in at least 20 years. The last time I went on a water slide I was in jr. high. By the time I got to high school, I was already (in my mind) to big to be in a bathing suit in front of a living, breathing person. I also have to admit, it took me a good hour to work up the nerve to on this one. I spent a good amount of time telling myself all the things that could go wrong. #1, I could have a hard time going up the 4 flights of stairs to the top and have to turn around and go down in front of everyone. #2 I could actually get stuck on the water slide because we have all seen that "America's funniest home video" where the really big guy has to push him self down the slide because he is to heavy for the water to carry him down. Did I really want that to happen in front of my friends and my husband and kids? #3 What if the slide cracked or came off it's hinges under my weight? How would I feel knowing that I broke the slide for everyone?

THEN, the negative self talk started. My addiction was once again telling me I was not good enough. "Lisa, you still look gross. No one wants to see a whale with fat rolls walk up those stairs and go down the slide... You should wait until next year... Maybe you will look better by then... You are just asking to be humiliated... don't do it..."

After an hour of this, I told that voice to shut the hell up and buckle it's seatbelt because I am about to have fun!

I practically ran up those stairs and was not winded AT ALL. I do admit to checking with the lifeguard about the weight limit at least 20 times before I went down... lol It was really one of those moments that changes things. I sat there at the top. (I got down on the slide all by myself..:) I took some deep breaths. Once again that voice tried to talk me out of this. "The kids in the water or those along the side ride will see you! They will make fun of you! If you end up getting stuck, you are going to have to yell for help..." You will embarrass your husband...

I took another deep breath. It is now or never Lisa! Tell that voice, tell ALL the voices of people who tell you you can't, you won't, you shouldn't... Tell them to go to hell! So, with that, I pushed off REALLY hard. I intended to own this slide. I intended to show that voice that I AM IN CHARGE. I went down that slide like there was no tomorrow. I flew around the turns, I was going faster and faster until "SPLASH!" I hit the water. It felt like a baptism. I was coming up a new woman. Washed away was the voice of weakness. Washed away was the "I can't, I won't, I should not." What emerged was FUN. I felt like a kid. I felt free. I walked around for the rest of the time in all my fat roll glory, no bathing suit cover, enjoying all the evening had to give me. I am free. I AM IN CHARGE of the quality of my life. I am still way off from being a bathing suit beauty, and will any of us really ever get there? Will I ever look like a model in a bathing suit? No, but I am WORTHY of fun. I may never be "bathing suit ready" so there is no need to put off life anymore! I know, all this from a water slide? Yes. Go on one as soon as you can so you can feel it too. :)

Do you see this bump??!!

2011-07-25T15:15:00.000-05:00

This is my leg being pulled at physical therapy. Yes, I took a pic with my phone. lol Why? Because I saw a bump on the left hand side of my foot. I figured out what it was... an ankle bone! Yes, I have ankles now! :)

Fat Face pic and full body shot

2011-07-22T23:58:00.001-05:00

I have new pics I took today so I can make more of a comparison than the pic in the last post.

Thought I would throw in this pic taken tonight with my hubby. The pic on the left is the night before my surgery and by then I had already lost weight on my own so I was "down" to 310.

I DID IT!!! 100 pounds lost (pic included)

2011-07-18T09:29:00.001-05:00

Wow. I can't believe this is here. I actually got there several days ago (actually, 101 pounds lost but who's counting right?) but I have been so busy with company I could not update here. All I an say is that I rock on so many levels... lol j.k. Actually, my sweet bloggy friend Chris pointed out a few posts back that my lowest point, my rock bottom came last summer when my family was going to the lake and I could not get down from a wall in order to go to the sand beach from the sidewalk. It was horrible. Everyone was staring, I ended up ROLLING on the ground in order to get to a standing position. I broke down in tears right in front of all the lake go-ers. I ended up watching my family at the lake FROM MY CAR. It was so sad. I was so embarrassing. Until that moment, I never realized how my food addiction TRULY affected my family. I knew I would be a better wife and mom if I could get around more, but this was a new low entirely. My sweet hubby wanted to leave because it hurt him to see me that way, but I said no because I didn't want to upset the kids. That was the day I was literally watching my life pass me by. I saw my family's life as it would be without me and they all looked sad. Honestly, what right did I have to adopt all these kids if I didn't plan on being around for them? How must they feel to be put in the back seat to food? Then, what about me? I was DYING. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. I prayed everyday, all day for God to "save me" from this addiction. To release me from this demon that possessed my soul.

On this day, it was clear that I needed medical intervention. I was so afraid of the future, how would I live without certain foods? How would I celebrate, mourn, feel without my go-to foods? A few months after this episode I was hospitalized for breathing & heart problems. After all the work-ups the Dr walked in my room and told me ALL of my problems were obesity related, even at my young age. The day I left the hospital, I never binged again. I never ate sweets, I went cold turkey. I had the will power that came from a place of fear and shame. The WRONG reasons because if you are doing this out of guilt or hatred of yourself, you will not feel better and although I was "doing it", I didn't feel any better about myself. It didn't help that at that time I was being cyber bullied by a mean blogger and his few "followers." It was hard to realize that people were reading this blog like they would watch a soap opera, just to see what happens next. My pain, my struggles were amusing and even funny. I was pursued all over the Internet, every community which I belonged was tracked by this person and his "friends." Every post I wrote and picture I took was copied for his his personal use. It was SCARY. I went as far as to find out who he is (through a fellow blogger) and call the police. But during all this I did not give up nor did I let that negativity change my mind. I moved forward with the VSG surgery (NOT the band or bypass) even with being told I would fail, that I would chicken out, that I am not ready. Only the person doing it knows if they are ready. My heart and body was SCREAMING at me to get help. The binge monster was still in there and he was loudly protesting my changes and if I wanted to keep him away I would need help. I lost 50 pounds before surgery and the day I went in I was praying I would come out alive. Once I woke up, I was in hell. My entire body hurt so bad and the binge monster was STILL there only I could not eat ANYTHING to help. The entire first month was like this until the hunger chemical in my body left and then it was like the clouds parted. My mind was clear for the first time since I could remember. That was almost 4 months ago. (Surgery date March 21st) I still have to make good choices since this surgery allows you to eat anything you want. I am in control of me. The binge monster is is so small I have no problem pounding him to a pulp when I need too... :) This makes it much easier to make the right choices. I am still in physical therapy three times per week and counseling once per week. The surgery can't fix the internal voice that tells you you are not good enough. It doesn't fix low self esteem that brought you to this place. It can't teach you self acceptance, but damn it, it helps! :) Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When you see your body change and you can see the extreme difference in your QUALITY of life, you mindset changes. I don't call myself fat pig every day like I used too. Now I say... "wow! Look what I can do now!" :) This past weekend I went BOATING and had a wonderful time. I love the boating pic of me because I had no idea my pic was being taken (my hubby was taking a pic of my baby who had fallen asleep) and I was smiling, looking out on the water enjoying my new life. It is a real moment. My life is full of real moments. ALL THE TIME. It took me almost 2 weeks to lose 2 pounds to get to the 100 and it didn't bother me a bit that I don't lose as fast as others because EVERY DAY I see changes. EVERY DAY I am trying something I haven't tried before and it feels GREAT~! I just want to say thanks to all of you who cheer me on and uplift me. THAT is what the weight loss blogging world should be about. PLEASE don't take part in anything that tears someone down or makes fun of how they are doing something. EVERYONE, even mean people deserve a happy life and hurting others doesn't help anyone get healthy or live their best life. Anyway, here are the pics. :) I still have a LONG way to go (about 85 pounds) but I am more than half way there and looking forward to the ride. :)

Below: boating on Sat Below: THE WALL... Notice, I am taking the pic from the OTHER side this time. That is my silver van in the distance where I SAT before after the lowest point in my life, watching everyone else down at the lake. (We went back to the scean of the crime this weekend, the same weekend I found out I had lost 100 pounds. :)

Below: Hi Wall! You look good from this side! :)
My beautiful view from the OTHER SIDE of the wall. I played in the water with my kids and had a great time!
I came, I saw, I CONQUERED! :) Here's to Life. :)

ONE MORE POUND TO GO!

2011-07-13T17:08:00.000-05:00

261 as of today. ONE MORE POUND to my first goal of losing 100 pounds in 9 months! I have only lost 2 pounds in two weeks but I am FINE with that. I do so many new things each day! Yesterday we went out to dinner with our family that is visiting from Cali. I walked all around the area with them, never had to sit down, had a great time at dinner without obsessing about the food. Today I filled up my kids pool, swept the floor and I am about to mop. I cleaned up the counters, dried some clothes... SO NORMAL but I have not done any of that in YEARS! It was so cool to walk int he laundry room and throw in the clothes. Funny that something so small makes me want to cry. Anyway, I took this pic yesterday of my family walking. It was so awesome to watch them and be PART of everything they were doing. I will not lie, I want that 100 pounds, but I want LIFE more and it's the life moments that I need to celebrate. :)

I am a model!!!!

2011-07-06T23:46:00.000-05:00

Ok, maybe not, but dang it, I look GOOD in this pic! Thank the good Lord, I like myself in a pic where I am not sitting, not hiding behind someone else, not looking up to hide chins, not angling to the side... Straight on me. Right in the middle with my hair blowing in the wind being the sexy girl I am... lol :) Ok, maybe that is too much. :) It feels good to feel good if that makes sense. I am 263, THREE pounds away from 100 lost. SLOW going, but I have non-scale-victories almost everyday that I can focus on. We had our annual 4th of July party and I played musical chairs! :) Then, when we went to the fireworks show, I walked a LOT, didn't need to stop and sit AND I CLIMBED A 4 foot FENCE! :) We were on our way to the fireworks and everyone was walking across the field as a shortcut. When I got up there, I didn't see an opening in the fence. I thought of going under, but I would get dirty and everyone around me was going over. so... I said... "screw it! Just try Lisa!" to myself and started over. I had help on the other side getting down, but by golly, I climbed the damn thing myself. I cooked for this years festivities WITHOUT a chair, stood the entire time, took tons of pics, had a great time. Amen for this choice I made. IT WAS THE RIGHT ONE FOR ME and since I am in a spunky mood, I would like to say BITE ME to everyone who talked crap, who expected me to fail, who said I would chicken out, who said I wasn't ready, who stalked me :), who put me down for being so open here with my struggles. My name is Lisa and I am REAL. I don't sugar coat, preach to people about what they should do, I don't bully people to try things my way, and I am changing my life. My name is Lisa and I am happy and PROUD of myself and all that I accomplished even BEFORE my surgery. My name is Lisa and I like who I am and what made me this way. :) I admit I am insecure. I feel pain when others don't like me. I have low self esteem that I am working on. I have a GREAT family and a few wonderful friends. I like my honesty. I hate mean people. I have a painful past. I am in charge of me and have a problem when I can't control my surroundings. I am a FOOD ADDICT. When you have been to hell, you appreciate everything much more than you would have had you never dealt with the darkness.

Below: my back yard. We had a dunk tank this year. :) Our party had 15 adults and 22 kids.

Below: that is me on the left. :)

Below: that is the fence I climbed. Doesn't look like much to most, but it was at least 4 feet tall and for a girl who this time last year could not walk more than a few steps, it might as well have been a 10 foot wall.

Don't look at this pic if you are eating! :)

2011-06-30T13:41:00.001-05:00

Right after surgery my Dr. walked out and gave Eric two pics of my new "stomach." It is more of a line now, around it is my liver and yellow fat. I think it's cool to see what actually went on inside my body. It is pretty major surgery to remove most all of your stomach. These pics really send that home.

Rejection

2011-06-29T16:44:00.000-05:00

Rejection is big for me. When I put myself out there and get slapped it hurts. I think it is made worse by low self esteem. Fat has given me a wall of safety in some ways because it can console me. When I no longer have food to help me feel better, I am left with the linger feelings of rejection that won't go away. This is one of the reasons I go to therapy to deal with how to process real feelings. Feelings that cannot be pushed down or quieted by massive amounts of food. I do know that I have never had any solid friendships in my life. I know I am not BFF material for most people. I still don't know why my hubby loves me the way he does. Shedding the protection of the binge wall forces me to look deeper in to the issues of feeling unworthy of genuine friendships. I can always accept people who are weird to most, or boring, or lying, or any "fault" that others have because if I don't, they are not my friend. I did this with friends and men. Never challenge anything, always come across as strong and aggressive. Keep up that wall, accept that they are not that good of a friend to me but I would still try because the other side of that meant not having friends at all. I STILL do this. I try to hard. I try to be everything I think others want me to be. I want to mold to what I think they want to keep them around. The truth is, being alone is starting to sound much better than pretending that someone who could care less about me is my friend. I am loving the exposure to feelings that my weight loss has caused. Painful or not, they can't be held back anymore and I have to learn to accept my faults head on. This journey is taking an emotional turn.

Why did it get this bad????????? (with pics)

2011-06-24T17:16:00.000-05:00

This year June - 270's Last year June-360's (remember that pic)
Last year Nov - 350's

I was losing my hair, wheelchair bound, but STILL binged. Now, I am 7 pounds away from losing 100 pounds, my hair has grown, and I am NOT in a wheelchair for anything. But I often ask, WHY did I let myself get that way?

I go to physical therapy three times per week in order to re-learn basic human functions such as walking. Like I mentioned before, due to sleeping in a chair (because of apnea and back problems) my legs are VERY stiff and it's difficult to stand straight up and still impossible to lay down. Today I found out that my physical therapy request to have the therapy at a hospital closer to home was approved. (Very cool) But it caused me to once again ask myself how I let this get so far? Why didn't I stop or stick to a diet when I saw that everything around me was crumbling? Didn't it occur to me to stop when I realized I could not longer walk or sleep in a bed? What about that time when I spent our entire summer vacation in a wheelchair? Remember that pic from last year? Why was my need to binge more important than ANYTHING else including my own life or the quality of life for my family? Everyday was a "new day" where I was going to make a change. I would get on-line and read blogs for people who have lost weight or in the process and get inspiration. I would make my healthy breakfast and by lunch I was feeling very sure of myself. Then, the thoughts started. That "voice" I talked about. "You know what sounds good right now? If you just eat it for dinner you can start over first thing in the morning and no harm will be done..." By the time I went to bed I would be so stuffed I could not breathe without leaning back and would wake up vomiting in my sleep. I still don't have an answer for why I did those things. I know I was giving in to my addiction and for the life of me I can't understand what led me than kept me in that place when I would want with all my heart to stop. What I do know is that I never gave up on myself. I remember when my cyber bully was making fun of me and saying that I had already blogged for about 3 years and had never changed. I am sure I am not the only one that had blogged for so long and keep going right back to that place... BUT, people like me should realize why we kept blogging. I told the TRUTH about all the ugly secrets of my addiction in hopes that someone would read it and not let themselves go down that road. Also, I was not hiding my addiction in a dark corner to give it even more power. I opened myself to attacks, hate and ugliness that I can never explain, but I kept going. I read blogs now where people slip up but they don't stop blogging and they don't give up. That is the key and something that I and people like me should be proud of. NEVER giving up. Never saying that fat wins. Never letting that voice consume every last bit of hope. Although I am free from that voice now, I am dealing with the consequences of what I did for God knows how long. Maybe forever. If anyone is reading this, please don't give up. No matter how you choose to fight with weight loss programs, therapy, surgery, your own program, just keep trying. If something isn't working, try something else. Don't give up. I still have soooo long to go. I have the ability now to eat whatever I want but I make a daily choice not to eat things I shouldn't. I know I could go back to my old ways at the drop of a hat. I am still fighting and will have to fight for the rest of my life.

Crazy

2011-06-21T14:15:00.000-05:00

I would describe my life since surgery as crazy. I feel like I am floating outside of myself watching a person I don't know. This person can walk, go places, eat normally, enjoy life with her kids and husband. Who is she? I want to be like her. Then, I suddenly realize she is ME! How did this happen? How did I get this life I have always wanted in just 3 months when I have been trying to live this way my entire life? What changed? Surgery. Medical intervention for a very serious food and binge eating addiction. Freedom from the voices in my head that command me to eat and binge. Once that voice was gone, it's like all the other beautiful things in my life became clearer. They had more color, more glow. Why didn't I do this sooner? Because I wasn't ready until now. My "bottom" happened in October 2011. I could not walk more than 3 steps, I was gasping for air. I was home bound. I was hospitalized because my dr thought it was my heart. Turns out EVERY SINGLE THING I HAD WRONG WITH ME WAS DUE TO OBESITY. I left the hospital that day grasping for life. I did not eat sweets or binge eat from that day forward and lost 50 pounds in 4 and a half months. THIS is what made me strong enough for surgery. The addiction was still loud at that point and begged me on a daily basis to give in. the addiction tried guilt, sadness, happiness, lies, anything to get me to break my abstinence. At the same time I was cyber bullied and I was feeling very overwhelmed with emotion. My addiction pleaded with me to binge so these feelings and worries would go away. I knew if I could stay strong enough to fight off it's voice, and find my own, I was ready for the extreme life change of surgery. The VSG seemed to good to be true. a surgery to remove your stomach, leave in about 10% that is shaped in a banana shape which will still function as a stomach would, no vitamin deficiency, no dumping syndrome, no slimming, no food is off limits and because the stomach part that was removed was the really stretchy part is gone, it is VERY hard to stretch it out. The real worry about weight gain comes from SWEETS and soda. The very things I taught myself to abstain from and won. I needed to know that I could make a lifetime commitment to me and the weight loss before my surgery gave me that confidence. I do think I could have still lost weight on my own, but the longer I went with this addiction in my head, it didn't seem to get quieter. I was ready for a forever change. Then after my surgery, the voice was louder than it's ever been. I think it was begging for it's life, but at this point I could not have saved it even if I wanted too. I have decided FOR ME that my addiction was so bad it had taken over my life. Every part of my soul started to panic because I knew it was dying. I couldn't save it. What had I done to this part of me that was always there for me to lift me up, to make me feel better, to be a best friend? Why did I do this? How was I going to be able to live life without it? My body shook, my head pounded, I was miserable. Hating every day. Then, one day, I knew... I was free. My body relaxed, my mind was clear. I was happy. I had won. I still think of my addiction as a person. A person that in a weird way, I was glad to have in my life because without it, I may have never gotten through some hard times. Allowing my addiction to take me to rock bottom is exactly what makes every minute I am living now extra special. I am so grateful for the smallest things in life like walking, being outside, being able to go to the store, hold my kids, go to their activities. I take nothing for granted and that makes for one happy woman. :) I am free. I am free to enjoy the natural ups and downs of life without an addiction. this surgery did what I could not do. It is quiet in my head except for the occasional voice that tells me to plan more things to do this week. :) My weekly calendar is full everyday. I am so grateful for life. I am grateful for all of you in the blogging world that have become my friends and who always encouraged me to keep trying. I am now 8 pounds away from losing 100 pounds and I can't wait to share that moment with you when it gets here and I know it WILL get here. :)

* I have to add that surgery is NOT the answer for everyone, but it was the right choice for me.

Above: My two sons and hubby went to cub scout camp last week. On the last night they had a family campfire where they did skits and cheers etc. I would have NEVER been able to do this last year. there was lot of walking and setting up chairs etc. I could not help but tear up as I sat there watching realizing all the moments I had missed for my kids up to this point, but then again happy for what I can do to help make up for that lost time. :)

(pic) 12 pounds away from 100 pounds lost!

2011-06-12T22:32:00.000-05:00

50 pounds lost before surgery plus the 38 pounds I have lost in the 10 weeks since surgery = a happy me.

My life has changed so much in so many ways. My family is so happy. I am much happier. I am a part of life. My oldest son graduated from 5th grade last week and I was able to attend, stand for pics, walk around. It was awesome and I could tell he was happy. (At my highest weight I had to skip school events because I could not walk from the parking lot to the school door.) My husband's family is coming for a visit next month and I am busy planning away for all the things we can do once their here. My nieces are the same age as our older kids so we are planning a lot of kid friendly things like water parks etc. and I plan to be there! :) I am still going to physical therapy 3 times per week because I have to learn how to sleep in a bed again. (I was sleeping in a chair because I could not breathe and now my leg muscles are very stiff and I can't sleep in a laying down position.) I have been taking SHOWERS instead of baths. (I had to only take baths before because I could not stand long enough to take a shower.) I am still going to therapy because I need to deal with the issues that lead me to a binge eating disorder. I am so glad I used the tool of weight loss surgery to help control the health part of my life. Since I had the sleeve, I have only about 10% of my stomach left which is shaped in the form of a banana. The stretchy part of my stomach was removed so if I take even one bite more than I should it hurts. (I have only done that once. I didn't eat more than my measured portion, but I didn't yet know the signs of being full.) Also, the stomach is the part that produces the chemical that tells your brain you are hungry so without it I NEVER feel like eating. I still eat because I am all about doing what my Dr says and I follow the guidelines 100%. Once my physical therapist clears me, I will get a personal trainer. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to working out. :) When I first did this my recovery was so hard I was regretting it every minute. I was in so much pain, I was starving (the chemical had not left my body yet) and I was expecting to wake up from surgery and feel "fixed." I now know that all of that is part of the process and I am glad I am passed that stage. I feel ready for all the fun things coming up in our lives. I don't know if anyone will get this post, but in case someone does, I just want to give you an update and send out a thank you for caring.

80 pounds lost! :)

2011-05-20T15:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I reached 30 pounds lost since surgery and 80 lost since my hospitalization in October. I feel GREAT. SO GLAD I DID THIS. I now find that eating is a chore. I have NO desire for food. I still can't wrap my mind around this on most days. I am so glad I didn't listen to those who said I was not ready or that I would be a failure. I am moving more and more each day. I take walks with my baby during the day to look at flowers. I am wearing clothes I almost threw away because it they were too small. Finally, today I got got on the scale and found that I am now out of the 280's! :) I have been enjoying life so much more now so I can't imagine how life will be the more weight I lose. We just had a failed adoption situation and I am taking it much better than I thought I would. For now, I am going to use the summer for my physical therapy and worry about adoption later. This is my time. :) (selfish huh?) My family is much happier now that I can participate in basically everything! I am really looking forward to our summer vacation this year. Thank you God for this surgery.278.9

I do have to add: this surgery is not the end all be all answer. You still have to control what you eat, have to exercise, take your meds, it is a tool and you have to make sure you are using it that way and not thinking it is the answer for everything. The fact that I am not obsessing about food makes it MUCH easier for me to make good choices.

I am doing much better - progress pics...

2011-05-07T19:46:00.000-05:00

I don't know if anyone out there even checks this blog anymore, but here is the update. :)

Things I can do now...

1. walk

2. go to the store without a scooter OR a cart!

3. make plans with my family which INCLUDE me! :)

4. spend money. :) Being able to shop has a downside. It's so much fun!

5. my hubby says I don't snore anymore

6. do more things around the house

7. stand for longer periods of time

8. wear clothes I have not been able to wear in a while

9. I fit in the seats at the dr.s office

10. Being able to throw two middle fingers up to those who said I would not, could not, or should not get this surgery. :)

11. LAST BUT NOT LEAST.... I no longer use my fat chair!!!!!! For those of you who don't know, I used to roll around my house in an office chair. I did everything in this chair. Cook, go from one room to the next, sweep the floor, you name it. I have not used it ONCE since my surgery other than to sit here and type this to you at my desk which is where the office chair belongs! :) My kids no longer say, here's your chair mommy when I am getting up to make dinner.

I know I still have a long way to go. A LONG way to go. I can't really see a difference in the pics, but I can feel a difference in my body. I am grateful for the opportunity to live life. Do I think I could have done it on my own, still I say yes. BUt, I have NEVER been able to keep it off and by removing my stomach all the hunger and cravings are GONE so it makes eating healthy MUCH easier. Yesterday my son had his cub scout pack meeting (where they get awards) at a camp site. Hot dog roasting, walking from the parking lot to the site, getting up and down to take pics, watching my two year old... it was great! I have NEVER been to one of these because I was not able to walk from the parking area to the site. I was so happy to be there for my son. I didn't even have my hubby to help me because he was coaching my other son's baseball game. Yay me! I was able to enjoy 1/2 of a roasted hot dog (no bun) and 1 chip. I could have had more because I can eat up to 1/2 a cup for a meal and this was way less, but I didn't want to because I assumed the hot dog was not low cal. I ate 1 chip. I can eat more than that of baked chips, but why bother eating more if you are already satisfied? :) I was happy to be able to partake like everyone else, but on a MUCH smaller scale. lol It has been a joy to take part in life again. I am much happier now that I am on solid foods. I think a liquid diet for 5 weeks will make anyone crazy. These days I enjoy most normal things, I don't eat anything white like bread, rice, sugar etc. Those used to be my go-to foods and hard core cravings. I don't know if I mentioned it before but the DAY of my surgery I started "that time of month." Exactly one month later, I started again! Amazing for me.

There are some hard parts. I have been stalled for several weeks. I don't eat more than about 600 calories per day so I went to the nutritionist and the Dr. to see what is going on and they think my body is still in shock from this major surgery and because I have PCOS, my hormones are freaking out. I have started pool therapy three times per week which is a work out so I have to up my calories to 800 per day. I can't imagine I can eat that much so I am just trying to add liquid drinks like Atkins or slim fast. I eat at least 80 grams of protein per day. I am supposed to have 1/4 cup of protein and 1/4th cup of carbs for each meal. (1/2 cup total for 3 meals per day) 1/2 cup of food for most people is about 2 bites, but I cut up my food in to SMALL pieces so I can stretch it out or else I would always be the first one finished at the table. :) It is great to eat meals with my family again. All in all, I am glad I did this.

ok, I am trying a new way...

2011-04-05T13:19:00.000-05:00

I am starting a new page somewhere else but I can only open it up to people I "know." If I know you, please send me your e-mail and the LINK to your FB page (in order to be able to confirm who you are) in the comments. I am putting the comment moderation on so no one will see your e-mail. For everyone I don't "know", and who is not willing to give me their real name and FB info, I will post an update monthly because it REALLY means a lot to me that you care. I am so grateful for your support and sad that a stalker has driven me to this. Love to you all. I am doing ok and my big appointment with the surgeon is tomorrow to see how much weight I have lost since surgery and when I can start pool rehab and add yogurt and unsweetened applesauce to my broth. Can't wait! lol Love, Lisa

My update

2011-03-30T17:47:00.000-05:00

This is for the hundreds of people who e-mail asking about me. First, I am soooo sorry I only can have 100 invites to the private site per blogger. I am making this un-private for a small time so I can update everyone. I can never express how much it means to me that perfect strangers care about me! What a joy and a blessing. All your words, prayers and concerns have warmed my heart. I love knowing that there are good people out there especially after being cyber bullied. I have a renewed faith in people. :)

Reminder.. I did NOT have the bypass or the band. I had the VSG. My update: I can now go potty by myself. lol I can get out of a chair by myself, but after a while it hurts to much to keep going. I am still in lots of pain, but it is getting a little better each day. I am on 2-3oz of broth and/or liquid protein only for the next month. I am supposed to drink about 60oz of water per day but that is very hard right now because I can only take small sips every 10 minutes or so. I was in the hospital for two nights and 3 days. I have been trapped at home since I left the hosp. I am stir crazy. My days consist of taking meds, vitamins, walking laps around my kitchen and resting. I feel useless. I am VERY sad and resentful that I cant eat. It hurts to watch my family eat around me. I have to stress that this is a huge life change and should not be done to your body for vanity purposes. I would NOT have done this if I and my dr/s didn't feel like my life was in danger. If you can walk, don't have heart problems etc, PLEASE try to commit yourself to a healthy life change without surgery or doing something to your body you can never take back. I was able to stay on a 1200 calorie diet for quite some time leading up to this surgery so I know it is possible, but the decision I made was for my life only. For those who say you are not hungry after surgery, don't count on that being true for everyone. I am starving. I cry for food. This is going to be a HARD journey. One I may hate most of the time. I wish I could share this with everyone, but I can't deal with bullying during such a hard time in my life. I appreciate everyone sooooo much for asking about me and hope to make this public again in the future when I feel it is safe to talk about my life without hate and ugliness being thrown my way. Again, I am NOT an expert on surgery and don't recommend it to others. I do recommend that everyone ask their dr. before doing ANY WL program in order to make an informed decision. I did this and moved forward the way I thought was best. I pray I made the right choice. Only time will tell.

:)

2011-03-29T10:18:00.000-05:00

I am under 300 lbs. 297 as of last night. I did have a break down last night. I am mourning food. I am resentful of people who get to eat. :) I hope this passes.

better? Yes. Easier? NO

2011-03-28T14:19:00.000-05:00

I am still in pain, but the pain is a little less. I can now go to the bathroom on my own which helps. The hunger is NOT gone. I read about most people who dont have any desire to eat. That is NOT me. I am starving. Smelling the food my family is eating is torture. Every food commercial is like stabbing me. Today I need to start calcium, B12 and a chewable multi with Iron. For the next month I get to eat 2oz of chicken and beef broth and some oz of protien drinks. so far I can only get it 4 oz per day. I need to drink at least 60 oz of water, but am only taking in about 20 now. I get more and more per day. So far, still regretting it, but I have seen some weight loss now. Maybe the more I see that, the less I will hate life. lol

still hangin on

2011-03-25T15:31:00.000-05:00

in lots of pain. not able to do anything een going to the bathroom or sitting up. cant really post yet. thx for the well wishes.

hating life

2011-03-23T22:34:00.000-05:00

in so much pain, sick to stomach, had to have eric help me wipe today. first day home. i hope this gets better.

Update

2011-03-21T22:31:00.000-05:00

This is Lisa's husband, Eric. She is doing well after the surgery. The surgery went well and they were even able to take some pictures that she will upload when she leaves the hospital. She is in pain right now because her body is adjusting to the change, but she is in good spirits. :)

Pics

2011-03-20T21:47:00.000-05:00

Does anyone know how to block people from being able to right click andsave pics you post on your blog? I know there is a way, but don't know how... Thanks.

Have to share this good meal!

2011-03-20T21:27:00.000-05:00

This is something I ate last week that was on plan for the "food" part of the liquid diet...

Turkey stroganoff

1 lb ground turkey (can use groud beef)
2 cans NO SALT diced tomatoes (drain water)
2 cans tomato sauce
1 cup reduced fat sour cream
2 tablespoons of mustard

cook turkey in pan, when done add all other ingredients, cook on low for 10 minutes, let stand to thicken. Serve over brown rice. (We used to eat it over egg noodles)

For me, instead of brown rice I used chopped up cauliflower. It looked and tasted like rice! :) Make sure when you cook the cauliflower you don't over cook or it will not chop right. The kids and husband LOVED it and did not notice the tomatoes. I got to enjoy the same meal but VERY low cal. About 280 calories I had one cup of stroganoff with two cups of cauliflower. Enjoy!

Getting so close?

2011-03-19T13:19:00.001-05:00

Can you feel it! It's almost here! Over two years of thinking about it and now tomorrow is the last night I will have a stomach. Freaky! My next post will be after surgery, God willing! Please pray for me!!! Thanks so much for your support! I will be posting pics from the hospital.

PEASE CHECK IN IF YOU ARE HERE

2011-03-16T15:20:00.000-05:00

I received hundreds of e-mails from people asking for an invite and I feel sooooo bad that blogger only lets you have 100 people. I want to see who is here so if there are people that were invited but are not accepting I can delete them and add others. The "still pending" part is showing people that I already know who are here so I don't want to delete someone it says is not accepting if they are really here. Make sense? lol Thanks!

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-03-16T11:43:00.000-05:00

I saw the number I have been waiting for this morning. 310. I have lost 50 pounds in 5 months and 3 weeks. ON MY OWN, without surgery. :) I am proud today. Could I keep going without surgery? Yes. I feel confident. Will I keep going without surgery? NO. I need that tool to take me to goal. Somewhere I have never been. I intend on living a life I have never known. But, no one can take this victory from me! No stalker, no "diet" expert, no one. Today is my day. :)

soooooo... no surgery tomorrow...

2011-03-16T01:45:00.000-05:00

I did not stop my blood thinner as soon as I needed too so when I realized that I called my WLS office and they said no surgery until I have been off the meds for 10 days. Ten days exactly is Monday. THIS monday. WHICH also happens to be my sweet, perfect, wonderful Grammie's bday. some of you may know how I feel about her. she is the true love of my life. I am hoping that she gives me a little help on her special day. I miss her so much. It feels like yesterday that she passed and it has been almost 4 years. It was shocking to read Mondays date and realize what day it is. Things have a great way of working out. I am also able to eat more. I told my dr/s office about my struggles and the nurse said I can eat whatever I want as long as I stay under 1200 calories. I am staying under 1000 and only eating healthy. I am tracking my food on Sparkpeople so I can print it and give it to her. I feel soooooo much better! So glad to move forward with everything...

Almost there

2011-03-15T20:45:00.001-05:00

It takes a while to weed through people for invites. The big updates are coming...

Two more days. :(

2011-03-14T11:19:00.000-05:00

Worry is setting in. Sickness. An overwhelming anxiety. :( I will never be able to eat like a normal person again. Some of the same reasons I chose this surgery are some of the same reasons why I am so sad. With no stomach pouch, your chance of gaining all the weight back are slim. With that said, the ability to eat a normal sized meal is also gone. I admit I am mourning food. My good friend. The same friend who wishes to kill me. I will always be that person at the table who is finished after two bites. Always "the girl who had that surgery." I pray that the thing I am using to extend my life is not the thing that kills me. I want to be here for my kids and husband. I want to know life in a way I never have before. Please pray for me.

Please e-mail me your blog info and contact e-mail (inweighovermyhead@yahoo.com)if you want an invite to this site. I am making it private. Sadly, I have to look in to each person VERY carefully in order to protect my privacy and if I feel I do not "know" you well enough, I will not be able to extend an invitation. :(

I appreciate the support you all have given me. I know some say that by closing up shop for a while I have let him win. So be it. I am not here to battle or fight for anything other than my life. I don't want to win. All I have ever wanted by blogging was to show others out there about the sickness of my food addiction. Honest, open and real. I have never talked about other bloggers or posted about anyone but myself. I intend to keep it this way and have let the bullying and harassment get to my heart. Now, I want to re-focus on this weight loss battle and continue to support others doing the same. I have bigger fish to fry and the most pressing is a very real battle for my life. My mom is flying out tomorrow to help and by this time on Wed, I will be under the knife. God help me.